Remember the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts"? Remember how every now and then that good ole' MPH would tell the hard news stories to fuck off and just take a lighthearted trip through Amusing-Story-Ville or Rant-Like-A-Crazy-Fuck-Town? Remember how this remember thing got old after the first sentence?
Well I am not in the mood to talk up the grim and gritty shit today. Rather, I have decided that what this blog needs (other than readers) is some nice, cuddly animals, religious thinking at it's finest, and a god damn awesome list. So everyone get their strap ons buckled because the fun we're about to have is going to leave you impotent, but with the desire to pass the good times around.
When a story's first paragraph states "a fierce group of raccoons has killed 10 cats, attacked a small dog and bitten at least one pet owner who had to get rabies shots" you know you got gold on your hands. I talke that back, when a story's head reads "Psycho Killer Raccoons Terrorize Olympia" you are certain you got gold on your hands.
Someone, some where in Olympia, Washington really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, pissed off some raccons and those masked bastards are taking it out on a quiet neighborhood and the domesticated animals that roam about it. As mentioned above, these raccoons have killed at least ten cats and literally tried to carry a small dog away from it's home. This is a dramatic departure from the raccoon's previous peaceful behavior that often saw raccoons and cats walking relatively close to one another without incident.
Nowadays, residents have taken to carrying around weapons such as pepper spray and lead pipes to protect themselves from these raccoons. You can obviously tell these are not your everday, ordinary raccoons. No, they are, as one resident put it "they're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."
That last quote is very telling. Based on that alone comment alone, my theory is that the nice raccoons were driven out by the more wilder and dangerous version, lets just call them "coons." Suddenly crime is up, there's dead bodies lining the streets, and nice people are afraid to leave their homes out of sheer fear. My sources tell me that many in the neighborhood are hoping that a huge storm leads massive flood takes out the area and displaces these coons. As one neighbor said "Make these coons Houston fucking Texas' problem."
I think the last quote leads perfectly into my next topic, the wonderful minds of religious zealots. Lets start with the mother of two in Florida who is refusing to get rabies shots for her kids who live with her in a bat infested home. The county health department is insisting that the kids get the shots so they don't, you know, die. However, mommy dearest will have none of it and claims that she will rely on faith to protect her family.
Good luck with that one lady. Call me when Jesus appears over your kid's bed taking the back of his hand to the multitude of bats dive bombing your kid's head. It is clear to me that this nutjob wants her kids to die. The shit of it is that she wants to die slowly and painfully rather than just putting them in the back of a van and backing into a pond.
That mom wasn't teaching her kids anything with her actions. Everyone should have seen it coming, the Bible clear says chicks shalt not teach one's with dicks. One church in Watertown, New York obviously didn't get that memo and let some lady teach Sunday school for fifty years before canning her ass. The pastor, who was instrumental in the decision, also a member of the town council. He originally claimed that the decision only relates to church world and not the real world (his words, not mine, honest).
Days later he and the church's board issued another stating that the lady being a woman and teaching mean was only part of the reason for her being fired. They refused to elaborate on the other reasons out of common decency (read between the lines people - geriatric blow jobs for everyone). I will tell you one thing, I am all for women teaching men. I mean, just the other night this stripper show me some positions that, I mean wow.
I promised you a list and I am going to give you a motherfucking list. On a recent posting Joss Whedon, the creator of my favorite show of all time "Buffy the Vampie Slayer", as well as "Angel", and "Firefly/Serenity" provided his adoring fans of his favorite TV characters of all time. He took the idea from James Gunn, director of "Slither", writer of the "Dawn of the Dead" remake, and husband of my latest obsession Jenna Fischer. So if one my favorite people in the TV world and the guy that's banging Jenna Fischer endorses such an idea, I am going to jump on as well. So here is, in chronological order, my twenty-five favorite TV characters:
Hannibal Smith, The A-Team
Det. Frank Pembelton, Homicide: Life on the Street
Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Angel
Roscoe P. Coltrane, Dukes of Hazzard
D.A. Adam Schiff, Law & Order
Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Russell "Stringer" Bell, The Wire
Al Swearengen, Deadwood
Sydney Bristow, Alias
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Dr. Gregory House, House, M.D.
Benson, Soap, Benson
Omar Little, The Wire
George Michael Bluth, Arrested Development
Agent Fox Mulder, The X-Files
Jessica Tate, Soap
Bill McNeal, Newsradio
Dr. Peter Benton, ER
Carmela Soprano, The Sopranos
Colleen McMurphy, China Beach
Creed, The Office (U.S. Version)
Chloe O'Brien, 24
The Janitor, Scrubs
Dr. Jerome, Ed
Feel free to tell me what I forgot and I will feel free to tell you why I forgot the fucker.
Okay then, time for another edition of "And Blog Jesus is Half the Battle." Today's topic: "Favorite TV Character of All Time."
I like my TV characters to have big dicks and a lot of attitude. That's why my favorite TV character of all time is Rosalind Jane 'Roz' Russell of Night Court. No one, and I mean no one, wore a better gerri curl or butch hair cut like Roz. And those one liners literally stopped women from having abortions - they miscarried from laughter. May the sun always shine on Roz!
Consider your world a little bit more righter.